Second Coming

Jesus C-HIS-st versus Jesus C-HER-st

According to the Vatican Courier, a story is surfacing about a recent apparition revelation that is reminiscent of previous Catholic Church occurrences such as the Fatima and Lourdes appearances.  The content of the message from an angel has indicated that Jesus will be coming back soon, and his choice of body vector is female this time - a She-sus.   

According to the University of Rome college coeds, the angel appeared to them in their dormitory and said to them that Jesus was very disappointed with the human race, especially the male side of creation.  “She” is coming back in “fury and wrath” was the core of the message.    

To the college coeds, the angel stated that “between Jeffery Epstein, Harvey Weinstein and Bernie Madoff, Jesus is embarrassed for his chosen people, and Donald Trump, Kanye West and Jeff Bezos have shown that the Gentiles are not much better.”  Other aspects of the heavenly message were indications of her being fashionably late to the end of the world and that the men of the earth should repent now, or at least buy flowers for their female partners every day in penance.

Of particular concern from the angel’s message was the ire for Christian Nationalist groups, who She-sus considers as having fallen for the big lie, perpetrated by the Great Deceiver. Upon learning of this angelic message, a spokesperson for the Christian Nationalist dismissed the stern warning as just a result of it being “that time of the month.”